The Harkness Academy of Sex
by Lady Emma Wentworth
Summary: An artefact from Jack's past future comes to light in the Torchwood Archives and Ianto's curious about it. Disclaimer: As always, I lay no claim to the characters or the program; it all belongs to the mighty Miss B.


The Harkness Academy of Sex

"Jack, is there something you'd like to tell me?" Ianto set Jack's blue-and-white striped mug of industrial-strength coffee down on his desk, tucked his environmentally friendly bamboo tray under his arm and stood with one eyebrow elegantly cocked, looking expectantly across the desk at the immortal man.

"Umm…" Jack sipped his coffee, trying to buy some time; he knew it wasn't Ianto's birthday – that was still a few months away. He hadn't pissed off the Prime Minister lately – they hadn't even spoken in weeks, and he hadn't flirted with anyone – at least not _too_ much. "The coffee's really good today. Thank you."

Ianto shook his head.

' _Drat! What have I forgotten?'_ Jack took another sip of coffee to buy himself more time. "You look lovely in that suit; it really brings out your eyes," he nodded approvingly and let his gaze slide downwards, "among other things."

"Thank you." Ianto's lips twitched as he acknowledged the compliment; it _was_ a particularly fetching three-piece suit, shirt and tie combination, one he'd put together specifically with Jack in mind. "But no."

Finally Jack mentally snapped his fingers in triumph; he knew what the answer was! "I love you, Yan," and he smiled warmly at his special tea-boy. He really did love the young Welshman; there was something about Ianto that touched a place deep in his heart, a place that no one else, not even his dear wife Elizabeth from nearly a century ago had ever touched.

For a moment, Ianto could only smile back at Jack, his emotions shining brightly in his eyes. "I love you too, Jack. But that's not what I was referring to." Ianto reached into his jacket's breast pocket, pulled out a brochure and laid it on the desk in front of Jack. "Tell me about this; I found it tucked away in an old folder in the Archives."

Curious, Jack set down his coffee mug, picked up the brochure and read the cover. "The Harkness Academy of Sex," it said, and beneath the stylistically scripted words was a picture of Jack which really only belonged on the front cover of the classic gothic bodice-rippers that Gwen enjoyed reading.

On a huge boulder above crashing waves Jack stood in a heroic pose looking out across the sea; he was shirtless and his broad, well-defined chest and six-pack belly gleamed in the sunlight. His body-hugging trousers which perfectly accentuated both his crotch and his buttocks were unbuttoned at the waist, and there was an invisible wind blowing locks of thick brown hair around his strong muscular shoulders. His hands were placed strategically on his hips so that his fingers pointed directly towards his impressively bulging crotch; the meaning was blatantly obvious.

Unable to take his eyes from the image, the only thing Jack's suddenly addled brain could think to say was, "Damn, I look good!" as he stared at himself in wide-eyed amazement.

Finally there was a soft, "Uh-huh," as Ianto cleared his throat. "It gets better," he said and slipping the brochure from Jack's hands, he opened it up and handed it back. Jack started reading out loud:

'I'm Captain Jack Harkness,

galactically renowned bon vivant

and successful lover to all

manner of living beings.'

'Join my Academy & receive first class instruction

in all areas of sexual pleasure including

Selecting Your Target, Closing the Deal,

Satisfying Your Partner, & most importantly,

Getting Out of Unwanted Commitment'

Grinning broadly, Jack looked up at Ianto. "This is brilliant! Kudos to whoever put this together." He looked back down at the pamphlet completely missing the unhappy frown on Ianto's face.

'You too can become adept in the fine art of seduction

& become an inter-galactic playboy just like me!'

Below this statement was an artistic collage of photos showing Jack in various stages of undress with a variety of partners, both human and alien, all of whom had looks of erotic bliss on their faces. "I've been with one of those," he pointed at a picture, "and one of those." A look of fondness filled his eyes as memories came flooding back. "And three of these, all at the same time!" Jack stabbed his finger excitedly at a third picture. "Now that was a month to remember! Oh, the stories I could tell you! Where do you suppose they got these pic… uh… Yan?" He looked up at Ianto, whose face wore a tight, closed-off expression. "You okay?"

"Will you… Did you…" Ianto corrected himself, "I'm not really sure which tense is correct here, open a school at some point in the future? A school which teaches people to have sex?" There was a combination of incredulity and disapproval in his voice, but mostly there was a distinct tone of amusement.

A snort of laughter erupted from Jack's lips. "Not that I remember, but still, it sounds like a good idea, don't you think?" He grinned cheekily as he stood up and stepped around his desk to stand in front of Ianto. Putting his hands on the other man's hips and pulling him tightly against him, Jack lowered his voice seductively, "I'm pretty good at it, don't you think?"

With a shy smile, Ianto stroked Jack's cheek. "Yes, Jack, you're very good, but wha… mmmph!"

Whatever Ianto was going to say was lost as Jack sealed their lips together in a passionate kiss, one which continued until the need for oxygen finally became undeniable and they parted, their chests heaving against each other as they sucked in great gulps of air.

"So, Ianto Jones, you wanna sign up for early admission? I've got to start planning my curriculum." Jack tightened his grip on Ianto's hips and pressed their groins even closer together. "Maybe you could teach me a thing or two," he murmured suggestively as he pulled Ianto's tie loose and left it to hang from his Welshman's neck while he unbuttoned the waistcoat and started on the shirt.

Even though it was mid-afternoon and Tosh, Owen and Gwen were downstairs working on their various projects, Ianto decided to break his own 'no sex during business hours' rule. He slipped out of his suit jacket and tossed it onto a nearby chair before pushing Jack's braces down off his shoulders and letting him shrug out of them while he started unbuttoning the older man's shirt.

"I guess I could think of a few things you might enjoy," Ianto leaned forward and licked Jack's throat, pausing to nibble on his Adam's apple.

Jack had succeeded in baring Ianto's chest and was ready to start on his trousers, but first he bent down and sucked Ianto's left nipple into his mouth, laving it with his tongue. He felt the younger man shudder in his arms. Releasing it from his lips with an audible pop, he looked at Ianto and asked, "Oh yeah? Like what?" before moving on to the right one.

"Oh, I don't know, like maybe…" Ianto unbuckled Jack's belt, opened his fly and pushed his hand down the front of his lover's trousers. "…something like this?" He took Jack's length in his hand and gently, ever-so-gently, ran his fingernail along the fat vein on the underside of Jack's throbbing flesh.

"Ughhh…" Jack felt himself grow weak in the knees as all the blood in his body rushed to his already engorged cock. "Oh, God, Yan… Ianto… don't st… stop…" he panted breathlessly.

"Are you sure, Jack?" Ianto whispered into his ear, "Cos I could do this instead," and he used his forefinger and thumb to gently pinch Jack's foreskin, stretching and tugging it past the tip. Then he slid the delicate flesh back, caressing just the head of Jack's cock.

Fortunately for Jack, Ianto was able to support his weight when the older man's knees gave out and he helped him settle back onto the desk, making sure to pull his trousers and pants down around his thighs first, naturally.

 _Meanwhile, downstairs…_

Tosh stared at the monitor, blinked, and stared again. She could not believe her eyes – she'd been positive for some time that Jack and Ianto were engaged in an intimate relationship but to have them enjoying themselves in Jack's office and in perfect view of the CCTV camera was just too good to be true. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching and then quickly hit the record button on her computer; she could see herself using the footage as a gift or for blackmail… after she'd made good use of it herself, of course.

 _More than an hour later…_

Looking calm, cool and collected on the outside but feeling smug, sated and inordinately pleased with himself on the inside, Ianto approached Toshiko's desk and set down a small silver tray. Atop a crisp white linen cloth sat a delicate bone-china tea set including a two-serving pot decorated with a hand-painted Japanese crane on its side, a matching cup and saucer, and a miniature sugar bowl and milk pitcher. The set-up was finished with a small plate holding several light biscuits and Japanese mochi sweets artfully arranged on a paper doily.

Tosh's face lit up with pleasure. "To what do I owe such an honour?"

Ianto's eyes twinkled with mischief. "Actually, I was hoping that when you have a spare moment you would do me a small favour."

"You don't have to bribe me, Ianto, although this may be one of the nicest I've ever received." Tosh lifted the lid of the pot and inhaled the fragrant aroma of the Darjeeling First Blush Silver Tip leaves steeping inside. "Mmm, good lord but that smells heavenly! And mochi to boot! This must be some favour." She raised her eyes and grinned at her best friend.

"It's no big deal, really." Having properly timed things Ianto knew that it was time to pour the tea, so he sprinkled a mere quarter-teaspoon of sugar into the cup, added a quick dollop of milk and filled it with the enticing brew. A momentary swirl with a little spoon and he handed the cup to Tosh. "I'm a bit concerned about the clarity of the video feed from the CCTV camera in Jack's office; would you mind checking it for me? It may need a small tweak or two."

' _He knows!'_ Tosh very nearly sprayed her desktop and computer monitor with tea. _'Does that mean Jack knows too?'_ She could feel her cheeks growing red and she looked up, bravely meeting Ianto's eyes, expecting to see anger, disgust or shame. Instead, his calm blue orbs were filled with knowing amusement.

"As Torchwood's Safety Officer, I'm concerned that potential viewers might need to squint while watching the footage." He topped the pot off with hot water and dropped a small tea cosy, embroidered with pink cherry blossoms, over it to keep it warm. With an innocent smile that _almost_ but not quite made it into smirk territory, he took the thermos of hot water and returned to the kitchen to prepare the afternoon round of coffees, leaving Toshiko to sip her tea and stare at his back in wonder.

 _Later that night…_

Ensconced in the large garden tub he'd installed during a recent remodel of his ensuite, Ianto leaned back against his lover's broad chest and relaxed in the hot water and scented bubbles. Setting his glass of wine on the floor, he set pen to paper and then glanced over his shoulder at Jack, who had his head lain back against the wall, his eyes closed and a soft, happy smile on his lips.

"Now, where were we?" Ianto asked.

Jack didn't move a muscle other than to ask, "What was the last class we decided on?"

"Let's see… we were at 'Penis Identification and Location 101'," Ianto read off, "you said it would be 'useful when travelling in the Taxal Galaxy'." He smiled and blew a few bubbles into the air. "Is it a problem, finding a penis there?"

"Oh yeah, it can be quite dangerous unless you know what you're doing." A dreamy look crossed Jack's face as he toyed with the hair at the base of Ianto's head; normally straight it was now damp and curly from the steam rising off the water. "I remember this one time…"

Feeling unbelievably blessed that the immortal felt comfortable and secure enough to share stories of his future past with him, Ianto dropped his pen and paper to the floor and wrapped Jack's arms securely around his waist. He was more than content to simply listen to yet another story of Jack's wild and erotic encounters with alien life forms. There would be plenty of time later to devise, record and then try out the numerous courses Jack was planning to teach his intergalactic disciples.

end


End file.
